Excerpts From the Diary of Bo Porter

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

I was recently lucky enough to come across Bo Porter‘s diary (don’t ask how). I didn’t want to snoop, but it’s just too interesting to pass up! It’s not too often that you can get this kind of insight into the mind of a MLB manager. Here are some of the more interesting excerpts:

August 23, 2012:
Met with Astros GM Jeff Luhnow today. Not sure if it’s pronounced Lew-No or Lew-Now, so I just called him “broseph” the whole time. I was definitely impressed with his intelligence. In fact, half of what he said went straight over my head. I would venture to say that a normal person would be intimidated by him, but I’m no normal person. All it took was a flex of the bicep and my famous “Porter Death Glare” and Luhnow was squirming in his seat. I’m sure I’ll be hearing back from him soon.

September 26, 2012:
Got the call from Luhnow today. I got the Astros gig. No surprise there. I am surprised that he had the audacity to call and interrupt my Kirk Franklin jam session though.

November 11, 2012:
Former NFL coach Bill Parcells keeps blowing up my phone! Ever since he heard I got the Astros job, he keeps insisting that I use his motivational methods. I’ll look into it.

December 12. 2012:
I went to the teacher supply store and loaded up on inspirational posters. Parcells wants motivation? My clubhouse is going to be more motivational than Tony Robbins’ bathroom mirror!

January 1, 2013
Ron Washington has been trying to get chummy with me lately. He called last night trying to get me to come to his New Years Eve party, but I’ve heard his parties get a little crazy. That cat loves his nose candy!

January 15, 2013:
I’ve been calling some of my players and trying to get to know them. Great group of guys! There’s Jose Altuve, Bud Norris, Rick Ankiel, Luke Harel, Jeff? Castro…I should probably look over that roster again.

February 10, 2013:
Got to Kissimmee early this morning so I could get my clubhouse and office decorated before the pitchers and catchers report. I got permission from Stacey to bring our “bedroom wheel” to Florida. I changed the “Motorboat” and “Who Wears the Panties” spaces to terms like “Loyalty” and “Sacrifice”. Just another motivational tool.

March 12, 2013:
This team is not near as bad as I was expecting. Luhnow told me in our interview that if I could be patient, he would have me a winning team in three years. I think we are going to surprise some people this year!

March 31, 2013:
We absolutely embarrassed Wash and the Rangers in front of the entire nation tonight. Like I said during Spring Training, we are going to surprise some folks!

April 8, 2013:
Lost our sixth in a row today. This may be a little tougher than I expected.

April 28, 2013:
Okay, I was wrong. We are going to be as bad as everyone was expecting. Still a lot of season to go. :/

May 9, 2013:
Thought we were going to sweep the Angels tonight. Blew another lead but it definitely wasn’t my fault. I talked the ump into a double-pitcher switch (Porter Death Glare works again), but Mike Scioscia wouldn’t shut his mouth about it. He’s such a pansy.

May 18, 2013:
Luhnow decided to bring this Paredes kid up, and he is absolutely killing me…and every freaking second baseman on my roster. He cost us the game tonight with one of the most embarrassing plays I have ever seen. I’m just glad no one in Houston can see the games on TV. I’m thinking about asking Paredes to try to take me out…Who am I kidding? I’m Bo Porter.

June 21, 2013:
Kanye and Kim named their baby North West??

July 1, 2013:
Hector Ambriz was sent down today. Who in the heck is going to hold down the eighth inning now?

July 12, 2013:
Jarred Cosart was called up to make a spot start against the Rays today. He’s downright filthy! I wonder if I can get the okay to put him out there every third day?

July 31, 2013:
We traded away Bud Norris today. He is such a great guy and will definitely be missed. Jeff did say he would make up for his loss by getting me hoes. Maybe I should reintroduce him to Stacey.

September 29, 2013:
It’s been a while since I wrote. Even the inspirational posters that I’ve decided to use as wallpaper cannot get me out of this depression. Today is our last game (praise The Lord). I’m hoping we can get a win today and snap our 14 game losing streak. Actually, I don’t give a flying poop if we win or lose today! I’m throwing an awesome after-party regardless!

September 30, 2013:
The season’s finally over and I’m a little hung over. Next year has to be better. Right?

October 9, 2013:
I read that ole Cranie plans on spending this offseason. I wonder if I can talk him into a raise or at least some additional health insurance? His team had to have taken a decade off my life this season.

These were some of the more interesting entries for Porter’s diary. I wasn’t going to share these, but I felt guilty keeping this to myself. Now I need to find a way to sneak this back into Bo’s nightstand.