Why the Astros are the Best in Texas

As a Houston Astros fan living in Texas Ranger country, I’ve had to defend my team every baseball season. Since the Rangers have become a good team, it seems like the state is suddenly filled with “life-long Ranger fans”. I can’t even walk into my local Walmart wearing my Astros hat without hearing some toothless redneck, wearing his brand new Rangers’ antler shirt, talking smack to me. Since I imagine that the endless crap-talking will only get worse now that the Astros and Rangers are in the same division, I have decided to list some of the MANY reasons that the Astros are the best baseball organization in the great state of Texas.

Let’s start with the numbers. Sure the Rangers have the lead in the all-time Lone Star Series, 42-30, but I want to look at the more important stats. It is a fact that the Astros have the better overall winning percentage over the past 30 years (.505-.498). The Astros have also won 10 out of 18 games over the Rangers in games decided by one run. We have two more League Championship appearances since 1969, and also have three more playoff appearances all-time. Not to mention that the Astros have 21 playoff wins to the Rangers’ measly 19 wins. In the last ten years, the Astros have also averaged nearly 100,000 more fans per season than the Rangers. It’s not all about the numbers though. Here are some more facts that tell the whole story.

The most obvious point is that the Astros were Texas’ first Major League Baseball team. When Dallas (Arlington) finally got its team some 10 years later, it wasn’t even a team that originated in Texas. It was nothing more than a bunch of Yanks from D.C. that moved down south and decided to name their team after the entire freakin’ state. How can the Rangers be Texas’ team when they aren’t even Southerners?

The Astros recently decided to return to their former colors of navy blue and orange, and many believe that this was done to bring a sense of nostalgia. This is not true at all. The Astros removed red from their colors because red is the color of Communism; something that the Rangers have no problem with and apparently support.

The Astros have had some managers that had amazing mustaches, been elected into the Hall of Fame, had previous careers in the broadcast booth and even one that strongly resembled Lord Voldemort. The Rangers have a manager that tested positive for cocaine.

The Rangers play in rain and on 110 degree July afternoons. The Astros play all summer under a roof at a comfortable 72 degrees.
Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports
The Rangers mascot, Rangers Captain, is a horse with fingers and a baseball uniform. Horses can develop colic, heaves, laminitis or they can contract parasites. The only known health risk of an alien is obesity and I think Orbit is just big-boned.

The Astros have signed free agents like Joe Morgan, Bob Watson, Cesar Cedeño and Kevin Bass. The Rangers signed Alex Rodriguez.

It’s no secret that the Astros owner, Jim Crane, was quite the pitcher at Central Missouri State University, where he struck out 18 batters in game one of the 1974 Division-II College World Series. Do we even know if Nolan Ryan went to college?

I think it is clear that the Astros are the true team of Texas. I didn’t even mention that I once went to a game in Arlington and heard a fan tell his girlfriend that Jackie Robinson‘s #42 was retired because he played for the Rangers in the 70s. No Astros fan would ever make that ridiculous statement. These facts ought to help those of you who need to defend the Astros against the league’s biggest bandwagon fanbase. If you have anymore, please share!